E.82nd St  NYC  circa  1972

Apothegmatic Musings of a Restless Mind.
Updated Periodically.

Out of the Box!  But Where?
Staffing Priorities.
How To Read a Monster Ad.
Cranking Phil Hendrie
"Release the Condor!"
Yahweh Still Rules.
Don't Rock The Boat! It might...
We Have a Unique Situation Here!
Social Entropy
Astrology Explained
Subliminal Radio?
Spreads Will Make More Impact!
Team Players Play Nice.
Galactic Lunacy?
The Customer is Not Your Wife.
On the Invasion of Baghdad.
No G.U.T. No Glory.
The Naked New.

(Other gems interspersed.)

¶

OUT-OF-THE-BOX!  BUT WHERE?

     "Out of the box thinking," is currently the tired, hoary cliché  used by mid-level managers who wistfully seek relief from the tired, hoary clichés that control most of their day to day activities.

     I always ask, "But which side of the box do you want me to think outside of?"  

  

There are at least six.

     


     On the South Side of The Box there's a sliding glass door that leads to a private executive veranda overlooking the Employee Parking lot.  The CEO often steps outside the box to check on who's early and who's late.  He notes with varying degrees of pride or distress that it is he who signs the checks that service all those car payments. 

[Of course, all employees think outside the box when they are, in fact, outside it.  But they are careful to leave those thoughts behind when they report to work.  Some are locked in glove boxes.]

     The North Side of the box faces the dreaded Competitive Towers office building.  You pay no mind to the Upstart Competitors on the lower floors.  The Giant Competitors on the top floors pay no mind to you. Employees rarely stroll on the North Side of the box lest they be suspected of treason.

     The West Side of the box faces the Interstate and its constant reminder of how easy it is to leave the box permanently.

     The East Side of the box faces the swamp, which is how things were before they built the box.

     The Roof of the box faces Blue Sky, which used to be the tired, hoary cliché for original thinking.  Now, though, with elevators, roof-top air conditioning, heliports, cell phone towers, flyover jets, and smog, there's not a lot of Blue Sky to contemplate or inspire a thinker.

     There's only one side of the box left - the one you try to avoid. 

     It Faces The Bottom.  The Cellar.  The Cave.  The Pit.  The Deep Repository.  Not  surprisingly, wherever Out of The Box Thinking actually occurs, a lot of it ends up down here, long before it threatens to provoke any needlessly risky Outside The Box Actions. 

     Back to work, eh? 

    (See also: The Sacred Cow)

¶ 





Were it not for entrepreneurs, 
nothing new would ever happen.



Were it not for managers,
nothing would ever happen again.



¶  



PRIORITIES

Mr. Big was not amused.
"Why are our ads the same
As all the Other Guys'?" he groused.
Fix them!" he ordained.

Mr. Big's AdminAsst
Called Content Management to ask,
"Do we have any Fresh Ideas?"
["..........?
..........,
 .........!"]
 "Oh, well....get HR on it, fast!"

And thus the Talent Search began 
Across the fruited plain: 
“2+ to 5? Come join our team!” 
The Monster ad proclaimed.

That launched a Four Day Deluge
Of ASCII, PDF & Word.
Resumes poured in from places
Of which no one there had ever heard.

The keyword scanners hummed and shunned:

“Too green, too gray, too far away,
Too much, too good, too bland…
Too, ‘Almost, but just not enough.’
Aha! A Tpyo – Bam!”

When the Talent Storm subsided,
And the Interviews were run,
The best-scrubbed smiling lad or lass from
Two ZIPs [east] was chosen as "The One… 


…Most Like Us.” And thus was
Content Management Control maintained.
A cubicle was filled with Fresh
For only $37K + Dental.

And thus was
 Normalcy Retained.

\\\  

Mr. Big was unenthused.

Six weeks later a major competitor launched a new initiative that gobbled up so many customers so fast 
that Mr. Big promulgated, via WAN-wide email, an
 !URGENT MEMORANDUM! to the Team of 
Team Players requisitioning a Fresh Idea to, to, to...

Fortunately, his AdminAsst 
also had the presence of mind
 to call me direct.

407 895 3092 
 

\\\  

¶

 There are two reasons to
hire outside consultants:

We take all the blame if things go wrong.
You get all the credit if things go right.

How to Read a Monster Ad.

Whenever you see a Copywriter Wanted ad in Monster, HotJobs, etc. that's loaded with bullet-points about day-to-day duties, who you report to, team work, meetings, input & output, grammar & spelling, it reveals a lot about that company.  Just ask yourself:

1. Why didn't they ask one of the firm's good writers to write a cut-to-the-chase ad aimed at his or her peers? Good writers know what  writers do and how to appeal to one of their own.  Maybe they don't want their good writers to know they're hiring.  Maybe they don't actually have any good writers on staff.  Some HR/Recs do know how to write a concise, persuasive ad.  Most, especially those unfamiliar with what a job actually entails, fall back on generic bullet points.  The longer the list, the more likely you will be alone.
    
    

2. What's the local reputation of this firm?
   Hot creative shops and big corporate cocoons usually have a stack of  portfolios lined up outside the CD's door and tons of resumes spewing out of the HR manager's File Cabinet.  Those firms never have to run ads.  Is this firm a start-up?  Are they geographically challenged?  Why did they even have to run an ad?  They're neither a hot shop nor a corporate cocoon.  What are they?  
   
   

3. What else did they try?  
   Did anyone inside try to bring in a friend or colleague?  Did the HR/Rec already comb his or her Rolodex and File Cabinets, run ads in the local paper, and send over every possible resume?  Nothing worked? Why?
   
   

4. Who had this job before?
    A short ad suggests this an expansion slot.  The company is growing and they need help fast.  Right now the job is an empty box on an organization chart.  A long ad suggests they're trying to replace somebody who just left.  Why?    Maybe the previous cubiculite fell on his sword once too often. The longer the list of duties, the less they want an original thinker.  
   
   

5. Who do they really want?    
   The ad reaches thousands of writers world-wide, many with broad experience, talent, taste and skill.  Chances are, though, they really want those one or two elusive locals   who nobody inside knows, who have never applied to that firm, whose well-supervised work at a nearby competitor mirrors their own style & format, whose personalities already  fit the Corporate Culture, and who are willing to jump shop for a $1,500 raise.  Those folks do exist in New York City.  But in Wilkes-Barre NC??? 
   
   

6. How much does the job pay?
   The advertised "years of experience required" is always code for salary range. Just add a 0.  "2+ to 5" means $25K to $50K.  The job will probably go to an acceptable local willing to work for the mid-point salary: $37K plus Dental. Whenever you see "Salary history required," you know they're shopping for the lowest bid from the closest residential ZIP Code. A one-way U-Haul is not in the budget.
   
   

7. How old is the Boss?
   That range of experience is often a clue to the age, experience, talent and self-esteem of the CD.  "2+ to 5" indicates the CD is probably under 40, moving up, and still trying to make his or her mark.   "5+ to 7 (or 10)" suggests the CD is over 40 and might be confident enough to entertain a point of view other than his or her own.  Despite all those EOE blurbs, though, most CD's will never hire anyone who's older, or more experienced, or better than they are.  Too much of a threat.  
   
   

8. How to Apply for a Generic Job. 
   If you still want to work at this place, your must whittle your own Peg to fit inside the HR/Rec's preconceived notion of The Hole. Otherwise, you'll never get past the key-word scanners. 
   
   Delete from your resume anything you did prior to the high end of the "years of experience range."  If the ad reveals the company's niche category, delete any experience you've had in other categories (those are Red Flags). Make sure your last job title is the same as the one advertised. (HR/Recs prefer lateral movers to move-uppers.)  Sprinkle in lots of "reported to's" and "assisted with's." (Independent achievement is another Red Flag.)   If you live out of town, use the address of a nearby relative.  Or, go to Mapquest, find the city, click Local Hotels, find the nearest Courtyard Suites and plug the address into your resume. 
   
   If they give you a link to their company website, look at their work and delete anything from your portfolio that's better or different.  Excise all work done in other categories.   
   
   Compute the final pay rate.  In your cover letter be sure to  indicate how happy you'd be to work for a little less.  
   
   Do all the above and you might get a call from the HR/Rec.  Don't expect to get the job, though.  As soon as you slip up and say anything that reveals your understanding of The Game, somebody will cut you off at the knees. 
   

 ¶

     The #2 Greatest Marketing Fallacy of all time - "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door!" - was coined by an entrepreneurial salesman who fell victim to the #1 Greatest Marketing Fallacy of all time - "Everyone in the world thinks like me."

 

¶

What some consumers and clients really think 
of this exquisite art form.

¶

CRANKING PHIL HENDRIE.

[This piece took longer to write than the events described took to transpire.  If you're a Hendrie fan you'll enjoy it.  I did.  He didn't, much.  Neither did Clear Channel.]

KILLER PIP SQUEEZE.

[This scoring idea can add drama and massive point swings to any backgammon match.  For advanced players only.]

¶

The hardest part of Direct Response Radio is getting one from a station rep.

"Oh, you wanted station calls, format, signal strength, and our TA cume and AQH numbers by daypart?  I guess I didn't read that on your RFP.  I thought you just wanted the rates."

 

¶

"RELEASE THE CONDOR!"

      The agency for Mercury, I think, was shooting a car commercial in the Andes.  Pretty expensive trip, eh?  Somebody said, “We need to show people that these are the Andes, not the Rockies. How about we get a condor to chase the car down the mountain road?”

     Finding a co-operative condor in Peru is easier said than done.  But the Agency Producer scouted around and did find an ancient Peruvian gentleman with a caged pet condor.

     He said, “Put dead burro in trunk of car. Condor will chase smell.”
     
     Yecch!

     Anyway, they found somebody with a ripe dead burro and stuffed it in the trunk of the Hero Car.
     
     Sunrise.
     Golden Light.

     "Cue the car!"
          Rmmmm!
     "Camera!"
          "Speed!"

     "RELEASE THE CONDOR!"
     
     Old man pushes condor out of cage.

     Condor plummets five hundred feet down the side of the cliff.     

     SPLAT!

     It had forgotten how to fly.

¶

Yahweh Still Rules 

     A Yahweh is any aspect of corporate culture, operations, sales, or marketing that can not be changed.  Ever.

Moses' Second Commandment - "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."  - neglected to spell out exactly what, "in vain" meant.  To protect themselves from instant retribution from On High, the early Israelites never took His name at all.  Instead they referred obliquely to "YHWH,"  which means literally, "He whose name may not be spoken."  

     Today's corporate employee quickly learns that some things are never even discussed, for fear of the same instant retribution.  

     Your latest prospect wonders out loud why your corporate logo is still done in that hideous blend of teal and mauve.  But you know better than to blame the ex-president's ex-wife, who picked the colors herself in 1978.  Instead you mumble something about established habits, practices, and, um, tradition - the ultimate Yahweh.  

¶

 
¶


"We have a unique situation here."

Every marketing problem is exactly the same:  Not enough  people agree with you.  There are only three solutions.  

   A.  Change people.  
 
   B.  Change the minds of the
   people you have now.  

   C.  Change your own minds.


The last is often the most profitable, but is invariably considered only after the first two have utterly failed.

¶

Social Entropy

I heard the other day that some school system in New Jersey or maybe Connecticut outlawed the game of Tag on all elementary school playgrounds.

Ostensibly any fleet-footed It will inflict low self-esteem on any of a vast underclass of other Its.  Who are these victims?

Fat Kids brought up on Big Macs and KFC who can’t run four steps without having a coronary.

Skinny Kids who don’t have the leg speed to run away from or be an It.

Tall Kids who are too gawky to bob and weave.

Short Kids who always get tagged on the head.

Sickly Kids confined to wheelchairs, braces, leg casts, or corrective shoes.

Girl Kids with long, wavy, easy to touch blonde hair.

Poor Kids whose parents can’t afford $250 athletic shoes.

Honest Kids from Fundamentalist Christian Homes who refuse to steal $250 athletic shoes.

Black Boys  who resent having to run away from White boys, some of whom will grow up to be cops.

White Girls who do not wish to run away from Black boys, some of whom will grow up to be Rap, NFL or NBA stars.  .

Hispanic Kids who are winded from that long swim across the Rio Grande.

Oriental Kids with genetically poor eyesight who obviously can’t see It coming.

Aleutian Kids slowed down by the heavy anoraks and clumsy snowshoes they wear.

Italian Kids who might drop the calzones they’re supposed to be delivering instead of playing silly games.

Jewish Kids who cannot run fast due to the two millennia of guilt they bear on their shoulders.

Muslim Kids who cannot run fast due to the twenty pounds of explosives they bear on their waists.

Latent Homosexual Kids who stand there patiently, hoping to get tagged, but never are.

Geeks, Nerds, Freaks and Stoners who, for a variety of reasons, do not really comprehend the intrinsic point of the game.

Tag evidently favors rich, self-confident, athletic object-oriented, competitive, White Anglo Saxon male children.
 
The Enemies of Civilization.

You see, in a Perfect World there are no winners or losers, 
no victory or defeat, no successes or failures.

Everyone and everything is average, warm, and bland.

Thus does Society, like the Universe, drift inexorably towards Entropy.

"Hey, that last kid is out of line!"

The subtle differences in personality-types attributed to sign (Scorpio, Gemini, etc.) do not come from the position of the earth relative to the constellations, planets, sun, or moon at the moment of Birth.

Trillions of cells in your body are already are alive and well whether you are inside or outside Mama.  At 6 or 7 pounds you are much too massive to be affected by electromagnetic or gravitational forces exerted by any far away heavenly body.

However, nine months before birth you were conceived from two cells - an egg and a sperm -  whose total mass was miniscule.  The precise way your chromosomes, genes, and molecules merged and aligned at that moment may have influenced the way your brain cells and personality profile developed over time.  What astronomic forces could possibly influence that alignment?

The earth's position in its orbit around the sun, and thus its position relative to the Milky Way, may expose gametes to subtle changes in the overall Magnetic Field of the Galaxy.  Those changes could affect personality development.

What Magnetic Field?  It's well-known that the earth's molten iron core produces the magnetic field that protects us and our atmosphere from a daily onslaught of solar radiation. (Mars, by comparison, is a third the size of earth, has a cold core, and a very weak magnetic field.  Mars lost  any atmosphere it may have had in the past to the corrosion of gamma rays and cosmic rays  emanating from the sun.)

Similarly, all average sized stars with large iron cores produce magnetic fields.  Those fields may be strong enough to extend their individual and aggregate influence subtly over vast stretches of space.  Lines of magnetic force are static over time.  They don't change.  But we do.  The earth's orbit traverses a 584 million mile path that would surely expose it to variations in whatever Galactic Magnetic Field might exist.

Nine months before every Scorpio or Gemini is born, the gamete passes through a unique slice of that field that just might influence the way the physiology of the brain develops.

Where the sun is relative to the constellations at birth is irrelevant.

Where the earth was at the moment you were conceived may have helped make you the nice person you are.

See also: Galactic Lunacy

 

Ten Immutable Laws of Human Behavior,
all subject to change without notice.

The Steam Principle. 
How to Be There when people are finally ready to buy.

The Reflection Principle.
People only see what they're looking for.

Subliminal Radio

Can Subliminal Sounds buried deep in a radio commercial
provoke actions over and above those induced by the copy?

¶
 

"Spreads will make more Impact!"

A long, long time ago an art director, whom we'll call Tony D, sat in a oak paneled  agency boardroom surrounded  by media types and suits.  The subject under discussion was what size ads to run in which magazines for such and such client. Pages?  Half pages? Square thirds?  The Account Supervisor favored a broad reach approach.  The Media Planner agreed...

"Spreads will make more impact," whispered Tony.

... and she went to explain the efficiencies of running half page ads bimonthly in mainstream magazines, quarterly quarter pages in fringe buys, and square thirds in this list of...

"Spreads will make more impact," whispered Tony.

... magazines and newspapers.  The Account Executive chimed in with the importance of conserving precious media dollars (?), and asked if some of the quarter page major market newspaper dollars might better be allocated to vertical trade magazine square thirds. The Media Planner agreed to recheck the latest ABC Circulation & Efficiency data and...

"Spreads will make more impact," whispered Tony.

... within a half hour  the media and account people reached consensus. Four color ads in a few magazines, black and white pages in a few more, rotating half pages and square thirds in the remaining...

Tony climbed onto the long polished teak table, stood up, stamped his foot, and bellowed.

"Godammit! Spreads
will make more Impact!"

A hush fell over the boardroom.

"Listen, I said the same thing three times in nice quiet little tones - just like running nice quiet little square third ads.  Not one of you heard me."

The client ran... 
           spreads.

Always run ads you like personally.
You may well be the only person who reads them.

 

¶

Corporate Recruiters always prefer
Team Players to Individual Achievers.

The ideal pitcher, for example, is someone who, in mid-week practice, will get along, play nice, and serve up easy-to-hit softballs to the batters.

On Game Day, though, against Outside Competition, coaches prefer pitchers who can win games. 

Major League owners and talent scouts realize that Talent is all they have to sell.

Most corporate HR/RECs consider Talent to be essentially an expense item.

That's why the first (and usually last) thing they ask a Free Agent like me is, "So, what are your hourly rates?"

People behave strangely when the Moon is Full. Do the gravitational forces of the Sun and Moon affect our brains the same way they affect oceanic tides worldwide?  If so, is there another G-Force that also makes us crazy, twice a year.  Maybe.  Click here.

¶


NEOLOGISM

Rodevan rō´de-van, adj describing an object whose design or aesthetic features needlessly reduce or impair its practical utility. Design for design’s sake. Frilly. Elaborate. [Contraction of “Rohe der Van,” the reverse of (Ludwig Mies) Van der Rohe, German architect, 1886-1969. His most famous epithet, “Form follows function,” admonished designers to distill the nature of an object’s end use into a simple and elegant combination of shape, texture & color. That epithet in reverse, “Function follows form,” connotes the use of extraneous visual fripperies or embellishments that diminish the intended use of an object.  See also: Addy Awards, Cutting Edge, Rad, Awesome, Far Out...]

(For another extended neologism certain to
infuriate Democrats, click here.)

¶

The Customer is not your wife.
Your wife actually cares what you think.

      I am amazed at the numbers and magnitude of advertising decisions that live or die based on what the boss's wife, administrative assistant, or golf buddy thinks of the Idea.  

     Haven't these High Powered Execs ever played Texas hold 'em?  Poker players have tells - little tics and mannerisms that tell watchful opponents exactly how happy you are when the Queen of Spades falls on the river.  

     You can even teach a horse to hoof it to six or nine or thirteen by teaching it subtle Go and Stop tells unnoticed by gullible State Fair patrons.  "How much is five minus two, Nelly? (WINK)" 

     CLOP. CLOP. CLOP.

    "(LIP TWITCH) Right! Three!"

    Every CEO's wife and buddies know his tells instinctively. They can always sense whether or not he likes the Idea and they're more than happy to play along.  "What do you think of this jingle, honey? (SCRATCH, SCOWL, BLINK.) "

     "Oh, I don't know, dear, really, I guess... I guess it's probably a piece of crap."

¶

Written on the Eve of the Invasion of Baghdad.

From Ashes...

Long ago the fires of Creation cooled.
From Rain and Dust came Life.
If there is a God he must have said,
   “Let there be strife! 
   “Learn to live. Learn not to die. 
   “If you survive, you win. 
   “The only Rules are those you choose.
   “Best of luck! Begin.”

Life heeded that command and thus began
Four billion years of Gore. 
From it Man emerged to conquer 
Everything… but War.
He perfected swords and shields 
And Myths to steel his fight again.
   “Our God is Good. Our cause is just.
   “We’re sure to win. We’re right.” Amen.

Not long ago two Giant Myths stood 
Staring, glaring eye to eye.
Each feared the other’s weaponry,
But neither wished to die.
The Other Myths paused warily 
To see which one would flinch. 
For forty years they stood and stared,
But neither gave an inch.

One Myth made guns and butter.
The other, only guns.
So when the hungry Myth collapsed
The other thought he’d won.
   “Our God is Good. Our cause is just.
   “We had to win. We’re right!”
The Other Myths looked up and muttered, 
   “They’re both too big to fight.” 

The Other Myths all soon resumed
Their daily chores and wars.
They traded oil and gold for guns 
And butter, as before.
They squabbled, fought, and nursed new wounds.
They looted, raped, and lied.
Assured, enriched, perplexed, becalmed,
The Giant stood aside.

For ten more years the Giant Myth 
Faced no one toe to toe.
Then far away a Tiny Myth
Resolved to lay him low.
   “Our God is Good. Our cause is just.
   “We’re sure to win. We’re right!”
The Giant Myth looked down and said, 
   “You’re all too small to fight.” 

And then the towers fell to earth.
And then three thousand died.
And then the Giant Myth declared, 
   “You have no place to hide.”
The Giant Myth deployed its might 
To punish Tiny Terror.
The Other Myths debated which,
If either, were in error.

And now Two Myths stand toe to toe 
Staring, glaring eye to eye.
Each fears the other’s swords and shields.
But which fears most to die?
   “Our God is Good. Our cause is just.
   “We’re sure to win. We’re right!” Amen.

Perhaps the Rule of War commands
All Life must end in Dust.

If so, when?

March 26, 2003

¶ 

The exact identity, title, and physical location of the person who came up with The Big Idea are immensely important to advertising agencies. 

They are of passing interest to clients.  

They are totally irrelevant to the consumers who ultimately pay for that Big Idea by buying the product.

No G.U.T.  No Glory.

The Wizards of science will never agree
On Why It Is?: A Grand Theory
Of Unified total causality.

Though we may enumerate all the suns
And calculate quarks to the zillionth and some
Degree of precision, we'll never see One.

We plod along at the speed of Light
That trains our brains to a line of sight
Perception of the near, finite.

Our minds, constrained by what eyes see,
what fingers can count up 1,2,3...
Dimly discern Infinity.

Linear, logical, we observe
Nothing else in the Universe
Is plumb or square.  Everything curves.

In the Quantum Cosmos rotundity
Limns a vast profundity,
Spritzed with squinting fecundity.

From inner space to distant sky
Particles spin in swirls of π.
Round Numbers no one can rectify.

From Bang to Crunch and back we chase
The Paradigm, the faintest trace
Of Law that orders Time and Space.

B.U.T.

Mind-blinding Light's reality
Reveals dimensions XYZ.
Is staggered by Uncertainty.

Is crushed by Singularity.
Is snarled in Strings of gravity.
Eclipses Truth: 

No G.U.T.

October, 1996

     People go home and kiss their wives, hug their kids, have a drink with the neighbors, pet the dog, give to charities, and mow their lawns.

    Clients come into the office, kick your ass, hammer your ideas, scream at your producer, pester the account guys, give hell to the agency president, and try to murder the competition every day.

      Wellll? How do you think things get done?

The Most Dangerous 
Word In Advertising 
is a Naked "New."

Conventional wisdom has it that New and Free are the two most powerful words in advertising.  I may grant you Free. 
But too much New can kill you.

OK, when P&G or Coke or McDonald's come up with some Amazing New detergent, flavored water, or pressed turkey sandwich, all the Old Reliable qualities of the parent company bathe that new thing in Safety.

But when a New Company no one has ever heard of announces the Greatest New Thing since vacuum-sliced pickles, at a fantastic New introductory price, most people say to themselves, "Oh, neat, great, always wanted something like that, and so cheap!... but, um I'd better wait and see if somebody I knows gets one."

Got a new company? Got a new thing? Think about packaging and ads that make you look like you've been around for fifty years.

Try a little Instant Patina.

 
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