The New Lexicon of Power
The words conservatism and liberalism are misnomers.
Conservatism purports to preserve established institutions, laws, and the current distribution of wealth. Liberalism, derived from the Latin
liber, purports to freely distribute the assets and earnings of the few among the many, using the force of government.
Conservatism suggests prudence, carefulness and propriety. Good clothing for Greed. Liberalism is a pleasant euphemism for free-wheeling self gratification. Good clothing for Power.
Both agendas are about the control of human affairs by governmental or corporate entities who are in turn controlled in turn by elites who know what's best for everyone else.
For millennia Pharaohs, Caesars, Monarchs, Sultans, Patriarchs and Primates seized and held power by brute force, prudently legitimized by some sort of Celestial Fiat. "I will live richly. You will obey me or die.
God says!"
Scientific Inquiry has somewhat marginalized the role of Divine Intervention in day-to-day affairs. The endorsement of priests and shamans is less critical to modern satraps. Market Forces Prevail. Political Rulers and Corporate Chieftains must now appeal to the self interest of the ruled. "I will give you everything you want if you just follow my directions. The other guys are dead wrong, right?"
The modern conventions of deportment have hardly slaked the human thirst for power, though. Militant feminists, Ethnic and Religious separatists, neocon zealots, environmental crisis mongers, Zero-Outcome educationists, capitalist chieftains, and a horde of local, state and federal bunglecrats all strive to enlarge their
own interests at the expense of Everyone Else's.
Is there ant etymologically more accurate moniker for modern oligarchs? They want control uber alles. Ergo: Uberals.
Uberal is a krauty word - one that rolls effortlessly off the tongue but clangors alarmingly in the even dimmest brain. The very sound kindles in the mind's eye images of jackboots marching down the Wilhelmstrasse in 1936. Perhaps Pennsylvania Avenue in the near future? Been to a local School Board meeting recently?
The denotations are clear. The connotations are sound. But as a consonantly challenged word, Uberal cries out for closure - slight modifications that allow each finger of oligarchic algae creeping across Freedom Pond to be identified as a distinct species of the common genus.
Here then, is a first edition New Lexicon of Power.
ACLUBERALS: Divide and Conquer Socialists masquerading as rights advocates. The ACLU defends, for example, the daily use of public sirens to call faithful Muslims to prayer, but attacks Christmas Trees placed briefly in front of your local courthouse. Lenin had the same idea.
BOOBERALS: Wielders of the Hammer & Suckle. Broadly, neomarxists who believe all mankind should nurse at a communal Government teat. Noam Chomsky (in public, anyway). Narrowly, feminihilists who believe that mass male Bobbettization is the best way for the girls to get even. Maureen Dowd (in private).
BOOHOOBERALS: Career Victims who demand government compensation for every imaginable slight. Compare, for example, the residents of New Orleans to those of Florida and Texas. After the hurricanes, who belly-ached the loudest?
CHUBERALS: Adherents of any Church, Religion or Sect who fervently believe that theirs is the One True God, that His revealed Laws should govern all mankind, and that they should serve as His interlocutors.
CEUBERALS: (Pronounced cee-ee-uberals). CEOs and other capitalist chieftains whose ability to amass personal wealth is somewhat dependent on their companies' ability to create it. Ceuberals exercise virtually unlimited control over their employees, but are occasionally sacked by
stockholders if they fail to exercise such control over their customers.
FOOBERALS: Elected politicians who correctly recognize that to stay in power you must fool enough of the people all of the time. The game is figuring out how much "enough" is.
GUBERALS: State governors, often Southern, who gain the Presidency then afflict the nation with policies that wouldn't work on a peanut farm.
HUBERALS: Politically Correct college professors who, required to publish or perish (and soon!), issue longish tracts of socialist gop.
Huberals pridefully purport to know better than anyone how to run everything. In classic Greek drama, they would be guilty of hubris, for which the gods, duly insulted, would eventually create agonizingly bloody and interminably painful forms of nemesis.
Today, they get tenure.
HULLABALLOOBERALS: Professional Crisis Mongers who create panic out of thin air (cf Global Warming, Ozone Depletion) in order to justify legislative remedies that gradually expand government controls over the dust, when and wherever it settles.
IGLOOBERALS: One-time Global Warming enthusiasts, shorn of all rational support for their hullabaloo, who have switched to Global Cooling as their
bete noir du jour. Rare today, but you just wait!
INEPTITUBERALS: Government bureaucrats. The most entrenched and prolifically self-regenerative uberals of them all. Consuming the lion's share of public funds earmarked for any end purpose, Ineptituberals promote policies and actions designed to prolong problems, postpone solutions, and protect their own individual jobs. (Hmm, maybe they're not all that inept!)
LUBERALS: Politicians of both parties who lubricate the election machinery with pork grease and patronage in due appreciation of the first rule of government: "Never Finish a Road." West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is surely the most accomplished Luberal in Washington today.
MUBERALS: Mushy, multiculturist peaceniks who munify and murinely appease terrorist murderers.
THE NUBERAL PRESS: The New York Times, The Washington Post, et al. Encouraged by circulation managers to focus on bad news, Nuberal journalists depict everyone as a victim of everyone else. Nuberal editors, opining in leftward leaning type, position enlightened government as our One True Savior. The steady decline in Nuberal Press
readership is a function of an equally steady decline in adult literacy (see Skuuberals.)
QUBERALS: Gay Activists, transvestites, homophiles, two-mommyists, and assorted sodomites who proclaim their Constitutional rights to wallow in hedonism. Often seen in long lines, such as St. Patrick's Day parades in New York and outside voter registration offices in San Francisco.
REPUBERALS: Republican Uberals. Olympia Snow, for example. With a name like that to live up to (parse it out), is it any surprise the Hon. Senator from geographically disadvantaged Maine consistently votes to expand government and diminish liberty in the name of "fairness"?
RUBERALS: Pro-sex proselytizers who promote "Guaranteed 80% effective latex condoms" to teenagers as a way to improve rates of promiscuity, STDs, bastardy, and welfare dependency, thus successfully undermining the legitimacy of the family unit as the bedrock of society.
SKUUBERALS: Zero Outcome educationists who award impressionable skuulchildren A's for effort but ignore reading miscomprehension, wretched orthography, or adventurous arithmetic. Until quite recently, Skuuberals dominated the national teachers' unions. They sought to slather sluggards with liberal dollops (q.v.)
of self-esteem in an effort to eliminate any rational evaluation by tax payers of their own malachievement.
SUPERALS: Advocates of left-wing judicial activism, especially those who believe that the Supreme Court should set laws which elected representatives have neither the stomach nor popular support to enact.
TUBERALS: Nuberals of the TV tube. Wolf Blitzer, Dan Rather, et al. Tuberals have replaced theologians and philosophers as the arbiters of morality. They substitute situational ethics and brazen obscenity as more palatable fare than the wafer and ridicule all traditional values as "fundamental extremism."
WEBERALS: Black or White Supremacists. (Pronounced weeberals.) So named because their preoccupation with Racial Self discourages the use of the word "You" in political discourse, except as an epithet. Black Weberals posture like proud African Warriors (Zuluberals?) but work as overseers on the Democratic Plantation. White Weberals (Caucuberals?)
imagine themselves to be the Masters of the Republican Ranch.
ZOOBERALS: Environmental Zen-cuckoos who mystically believe animal life is superior to human. Zooberals oppose economic development activities on the frontiers of the civilized world. Friends of the spotted owl. Enemies of
Alaskan Oil. When Zooberals drive their gas-guzzling SUVs on off-road explorations of the wilderness, they ride roughshod over helpless, defenseless ferns and seedlings. Can shruberals be far behind?
(November, 2005 - PNYX)
