Somebody once tried to find out if Award-Winning advertising actually produced more sales than merely competent, run of the mill, pedestrian, dull, or downright ugly ads. There may well be a slight correlation between quality and money, but who really cares?

     It's only advertising.   

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"The only thing I look at is the price. Low price gets my business. I don't care what color the balloon is, just the number inside."

Focus group participant, Bethesda, MD, commenting on layouts for Chevy Chase Saab. 

"I just love ads. I can't remember a TV ad I didn't like. 'Course I never buy any of that stuff. Can't remember 'em."

Kevin Burkett, Orlando, FL, whilst mowing his lawn.

"I will not participate in your interviews. I do not think radio advertising is appropriate for a web site."

Maria J., Denver, CO, responding to an email invitation to participate in our dice.com radio campaign, which tripled revenues. 

"We don't need to spend any money on marketing. This thing will sell itself."

(NAME WITHHELD), Project Manager, Time Warner Full Service Network, which lost $480 million. 

"Please stop the ads. They just make me fel (sic) bad about being a lousy parent."

A mother in Worcester, MA, in a letter to MUZZY, the BBC language videos for children.

"Why does the kid have to be blonde?"

Focus group participant, West Palm Beach, Florida, commenting on a layout for the introductory ad for Birdseye Little Ears Corn on the Cob.  The ad featured the same 4 year-old boy who had appeared in the TV :30, which pulled the highest day after recall score in the history of General Foods.

"When I got there the line ran around the block. I could not get in. You should quit running those ads anymore."

Irate consumer in Atlanta, GA, complaining to the Taco Bell SE Regional Marketing Director about a "Lowest price since Creation" radio spot that increased Sunday business 7000%.

"Do I need to buy life insurance since my husband is already dead?"

Overheard in the telemarketing room at SelectQuote Insurance Services, San Francisco, CA.

"That ad is too creative.  You know, engineers are not really human."

(NAME WITHHELD), President, local Orlando ad agency for which we created several ads for Infotel. 

"I will not allow my son to join the National Guard no matter what you say. I do not believe in war."

Mother of an 18-year old in a 12 handwritten letter referencing "Kiss Your Momma Good-Bye," an ad which drew 75,000 responses.

"The Washington Post is racist. I burned the Magazine. (PS I enjoyed the articles.)"

DC citizen in a note to Katherine Graham following the introduction of the Sunday Magazine, which included an article on the testy relationship between Washington haberdashers and local street toughs.

"Gee, it's almost New York."

CableVision of Central Florida staffer to the President, following a presentation of the "See it on CV" campaign to 483 employees. Total production budget for 11 commercials was under $100K.  See some of them here.

"I can't afford to save money on diesel fuel.  It already costs too much."

Email from a self-employed driver referencing an ad for Fuel Charger Power Cells in The Trucker.

"Those commercials are only bringing in high priced people who want all the extras and add-ons. But our salesmen can't work 'em.  We need more get-me-dones."

Joe Williamson, President, Action (Kissimmee) Nissan, explaining one of the little-known but oddly rational reasons why car dealers always run Bad Ads.

"I don't care if sales went up 50%. I know for a fact that radio doesn't work."

Clarence Kearce, President, World Chevy Geo, the Thursday after the biggest Labor Day sale in the dealership's history, which capped a six-week radio campaign that increased overall traffic 29% and sales 23% without adding a penny to the overall ad budget.

"Too many people showed up. Don't ever run ads like that again."

Marketing Manager, Columbia Management, the week after our introductory ads for River Oaks condominiums in Atlanta generated a turnout of 784 shoppers. There were only two real estate salespersons on hand.  Both were elderly ladies.

"OK, let's hear from the ad scum."

Phil Penfield, Chairman, Altamonte Springs Community Redevelopment Agency, introducing me to a public forum in which I presented a comprehensive three-year marketing program.

"Those ads are too damn intrusive. We can't stand to listen to them on our office PA speakers every ten minutes."

General Manager, Scotty's Home Center, explaining why - after I had written and produced a new store radio campaign that was designed to run for six days at an average frequency of 3 and that had doubled expected turnout in four out of four  markets - the company would seek a source of less intrusive advertising.

"These people are stupid and there aren't enough of them."

Owner, Tranquil-Ease under-mattress relaxer/vibrators, who insisted on spending the bulk of his budget on a Free Video, leaving only enough money to buy TV after 2:00am, the viewers of which were indeed insomniacs, but few of whom had credit cards.

"P&G is not interested in making battleships full of money. They are only interested in making aircraft carriers full of money."

Gary Andrews, Account Supervisor, Young & Rubicam, commenting on the concept of City Limits, a new laundry detergent for the 70% of American housewives who live in sooty, gritty, grimy urban neighborhoods rather than the sweetly grass-stained, sliding-into-first-base small towns owned by TIDE and DASH.

"Forget the damn hotel. Where do I get that dress for my girlfriend?"

Letter from a male reader of my introductory ad for the Grand Bay Hotel in Miami.

"Sorry, we got too many phone calls."

Marketing Director, American General Finance, explaining why he had to cancel a :60 TV bill-payer loan commercial whose sole purpose was to make the phone ring.  Eight years later he called me back and wanted DR TV commercials to promote Commercial Mortgages for another client.  We made them.  Then the bottom fell out of the MBS & CDO market, an eventuality I predicted at our first meeting.

"We would never use any other media to sell our email games. Email is the only media that matters."

Seth Godin, President, Yoyodyne, commenting on my proposal to use radio to attract car buyers to EZ Cars, an on-line promotion for automobile manufacturers. Six weeks later I made the same proposal to dice.com.  The "Click the Dice" campaign increased revenues from $14 to $40 million in 18 months.

"What if a little old lady in Ohio saw the word War in a GTE ad? We'd be out of business!"

The Chairman of GTE, Stanford, CT, referencing my "Business is War" campaign for GTE Spacenet that ran only in Fortune and Business Week, tripling leads.

"Your ad is no good. I cannot get my favorite station in Cairo."

Letter from a New Yorker who purchased then returned a Grundig YB500 short-wave radio and who attempted to tune in an FM station 11,000 miles away.

"This is not a real estate ad."

General Manager, Pulte Homes, Virginia, upon returning from a six-week vacation only to learn that our ads in the Friday Weekend Events section had sold out the 90+ remaining units of a moribund condo development.

"We don't need any of this ad baloney.  We just need to get some revenue in here."

General Manager of a start-up interactive cable/Internet services firm serving upscale hotels and resorts, after reviewing a proposal to sell $1MM a year worth of 15-station road-block media avails to national advertisers.

"Our customers are not too bright. Bad ads are OK."

Marketing Director, Marlo Furniture, Washington, DC, twelve weeks after a campaign of four-color ads in The Washington Post had increased average purchases from $235 to $760 and nearly doubled gross revenues.

Any choice comments you'd care to add from your own recollections?  Send them along and I'll include them in the next release of this article.


6/12/09